Let me take you far beyond the stars, to the place where our lives began

I've just spent ages defilthing the mouse rollers with the sharp end of my school Prefect badge. It's made me realise that I'll have to steal the optical one back from the downstairs computer as soon as possible. And I think an optical mouse is the first thing I'll buy from The Electronics Store That Doesn't Really Have a Name, South Street, when I get back to St Andrews. No more buttons than three, though. I couldn't cope.

Idly thinking to myself at work today while I scraped charred bits of bacon in to the bin, I realised that of all the atrocities that English has suffered, the "word" kthx annoys me the most. It reduces a polite phrase in to a condensed monstrosity, devoid of even any vowels. But by the looks of it, it would get quite a good score in Scrabble.

Earlier this evening I discovered two Dell 486 laptops under my bed. I can't remember how they got under there, and neither work. Nevertheless, that brings the total number of computers in my room to seven.