Spam spam spam spam spam

[davidn]

I should have realized that the entire concept of American culture was invented purely to get a reaction out of me from the first day that I arrived here - I still remember, not an hour after arrival at Whitney's parents' house, seeing a television advert for a brand of glass polish that promised the result of "high-definition windows". While this cheerful abuse of a contemporary in-word was, is and will always remain the most intolerably idiotic thing that I have ever seen, the country has continued to come up with new and interesting abominations.

Here's one - I was given this on our last day in the office, as a prime example of such an item. It is, as you can see, a distressingly unnatural spreadable form of an already suspect meat or meat-like substance. This container says it's preventing two servings from being unleashed on the world, and invites you to visit their website at www.spam.com, which topped this year's list of domain names you really don't want to have. The customary explanation of "Serving suggestion" is present on the bottom of the tin next to the image of the stuff struggling to break free of two slices of bread, but the obvious suggestion of ": Don't" is not. I really hadn't considered actually eating this when I first laid eyes on it, but at lunchtime the next day, knowing that I wasn't in a situation where it was vital that I was able to leave the house for the next while, I decided I might as well report on its contents.

Inside, you encounter a blob of spongy pink material that looks like catfood for particularly non-fussy cats, or that hydrophilic stuff that you stick flowers in to help them grow. I had had spam once before, served by wolfekko in fried rice as part of the cuisine he picked up in Hawaii, and it wasn't bad at all - however, the meat is unidentifiable enough in its normal form, and processing it into a spreadable paste only heightens the otherworldly effect.

I wasn't even put off by this - here's a sample of what it looks like when out in the real world, along with some telling evidence that I actually tried it.

 

Almost disappointingly, it really isn't actually all that bad - it's much like any other pate, although it's very salty and it does have a bit of a gritty aftertaste to it (teeth? Claws? Who knows). Even though I didn't find it completely objectionable, I felt it wise only to have two slicefuls of it before putting the rest of the apparent two servings into the bin in a sealed plastic bag so that its fumes could not come back to haunt the house.

As Whitney's away this week, I'll be cooking my own meals, and I hope only to go uphill from here. Even though it wasn't completely objectionable, I still consider that getting to keep the work laptop was the better going-away present (only just, though).

Comments

[rakarr.livejournal.com]

Your wording behind the cut initially led me to believe that you had written it as a text adventure description. Alas, that is not the case!

I like Spam in highly infrequent, low-quantity doses, but I don't know if I would want to touch this stuff. Especially not piled up like it is in the picture on the can. Is the packaging department trying to perform a civil service and turn people away from it?

I like the two exact-looking bites in the toast.

[davidn]

I am precise in all things :)

The picture on the tin really is... revolting, with it oozing everywhere like that. I only used half the can across two slices of bread, and that's more than enough for anybody.