What's My Fruit? - Episode 6

[davidn]

I told you that we were going more often now! This time, I didn't see anything new that looked otherworldly enough to try out (though I was actually tempted to get a couple of rambutans having actually enjoyed them the first time), but this obscene-looking article was spotted by Whitney on the way to the checkout. It's a long thin hard semi-pointed... thing, roughly resembling a green and enlarged pine cone, which looks like some unlikely fruit form of the crocodile - it's very tough, and its skin is divided into these amazing hexagon shapes that you wouldn't think it possible to grow naturally.

This was in a basket under the name "Monstera" - the name of a species of vine from the rainforests in the south of Mexico. And it does indeed look fairly monstrous - the close-up photograph that I took of its scales could easily be from some sort of forgotten reptile. The fruit itself is from the Monstera Deliciosa - making it, therefore... a Delicious Fruit. At the very least, I can't say that I wasn't warned.

It is justified in having that namesake, because as I found out on doing my usual post-Russo's research, this fruit can kill you. That, of course, is such a Daily Mail headline level of overreaction - but it does have at least a base in reality. And not just in the way that a banana could also technically kill you if you froze it and then rammed it up someone's nose. On the vine, it spends one year sitting around ripening, and at this stage it contains such a painfully high level of oxalic acid that it's poisonous. Eating it before it's ready can cause irritation and blistering to the nose, throat, and everywhere, really. But as the fruit ripens, it does something I've never seen any other fruit do - as advised by the Internet, I took it out of its plastic bag and put it in a paper one, left it in the warm kitchen, and within a couple of days the hexagons began crumbling away into individual pieces like so many Knightmare causeways and exposing the edible flesh underneath. If you sit around expecting other fruit to peel itself, you'll be waiting a very long time.



When the fruit has invitingly exposed itself and is non-deadly, it looks rather like an ear of sweetcorn with a solid column in the centre and the edible stuff around the edges - though the individual pieces are much taller. Even at this stage, it still contains a very high level of oxalic acid, and as I have a known elemental vulnerability to it, this was the first fruit on this venture that I haven't actually ingested - my experimentation was limited to chewing and examining the taste before spitting it out.

It has a texture and taste rather like pineapple, but sweeter and without any of the bitterness - the pieces are extremely wet, and it really seems to hold much more juice than you would expect to be able to fit into the small flecks of fruit. I definitely felt some tingling on my lips for a couple of minutes after trying it, and it leaves a rich gluey feeling on the inside of your mouth that makes you salivate a lot afterwards - some people have reported more noticeable side effects, but seemed undeterred by them nonetheless. (Coincidentally, the author of that article got theirs from the very same market last year!) With those reactions, I decided that not swallowing had been a wise decision - and it's a shame, because it really does taste wonderful. It also absolutely filled the living room with its aroma from the moment its scales began falling off - and not having much of a sense of smell, I can honestly only recall thinking of smell as a bad thing up until now, but this smells wonderfully sweet and pleasant, like some sort of air freshener without the artificial undertones to it. I'd honestly hang it up in a room just for that if it didn't attract so many flies.

I've just realized why I have such a sore throat this evening. It tastes so nice, but apparently even if you're very careful with it it'll do its best to get revenge on you. What an evil fruit.