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Battery Man
Dec. 17th, 2008 11:07 amI've no idea what causes this - the best guess is the change of climate, or possibly that American voltage is different and I'm incompatible - but ever since I moved to America, I've been plagued by an enormous amount of static electricity regularly building up on me and then discharging itself whenever I come into contact with anything metallic. It's as if I've been gifted with the world's most useless superpower - the ability to continually build up an electrical charge within my fingertips and then release it all at once, causing absolutely no effect to the outside world apart from varying amounts of pain for me.
It's been happening for some time - the first time I noticed was when Whitney's mum's car always shocked me when I got out of it and touched the doorhandle to close it, so I resorted to wrapping my hand in the end of my sleeve like boys touching girls' hands for the first time at a primary school Christmas dance. On one of these occasions I then turned around to see their cat Boris coming out of the house to greet us, crouched down to stroke him and gave him a colossal zap that sent him scooting at the speed of light across to the other side of the lawn and made him avoid me for days afterwards.
And that's normal enough, but when it happens every time you touch anything, something is wrong. If Whitney comes into contact with me after either of us has been on the sofa, the spark is audible, and causes me to jerk forwards and bang my face on the monitor if I'm at the computer. It happens to me most often when sitting down at my laptop at work, but it's common for every doorhandle and lift button along the way to cause the same effect in smaller ways. One of the door locks honestly had a visible blue spark jump between me and its surface when I cautiously moved my arm near it (having noticed that all my hair was being pulled towards it magnetically).
It doesn't just happen on metal things, either - I had no idea that it was possible to be electric shocked by a toilet until last week. And the most unexpected one of all was when I got up off the sofa to go through to our bedroom and the house plant shocked me when I brushed past it.
If I can somehow use this power for good and learn to shoot bolts of lightning from my hands, it'll be fantastic. Until then I'll just have to wear gloves all day.
It's been happening for some time - the first time I noticed was when Whitney's mum's car always shocked me when I got out of it and touched the doorhandle to close it, so I resorted to wrapping my hand in the end of my sleeve like boys touching girls' hands for the first time at a primary school Christmas dance. On one of these occasions I then turned around to see their cat Boris coming out of the house to greet us, crouched down to stroke him and gave him a colossal zap that sent him scooting at the speed of light across to the other side of the lawn and made him avoid me for days afterwards.
And that's normal enough, but when it happens every time you touch anything, something is wrong. If Whitney comes into contact with me after either of us has been on the sofa, the spark is audible, and causes me to jerk forwards and bang my face on the monitor if I'm at the computer. It happens to me most often when sitting down at my laptop at work, but it's common for every doorhandle and lift button along the way to cause the same effect in smaller ways. One of the door locks honestly had a visible blue spark jump between me and its surface when I cautiously moved my arm near it (having noticed that all my hair was being pulled towards it magnetically).
It doesn't just happen on metal things, either - I had no idea that it was possible to be electric shocked by a toilet until last week. And the most unexpected one of all was when I got up off the sofa to go through to our bedroom and the house plant shocked me when I brushed past it.
If I can somehow use this power for good and learn to shoot bolts of lightning from my hands, it'll be fantastic. Until then I'll just have to wear gloves all day.
