Oh if only UK was not so far

[davidn]

Dear Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab:

You bastard. I mean, I can plainly see why countries might not like America all that much thanks to the exportation of McDonalds and the existence of Paris Hilton, among other things, but speaking only for myself here, did you really have to try to blow up a plane headed there when I was about to have to make the same UK to US journey? Why couldn't you stick to scamming people out of their money like the rest of the country? It always happens when I need to get back from somewhere - suddenly a no-liquids rule on the way back from the honeymoon, reduced luggage and hours of extra security checks at Heathrow this afternoon. In two years, no hand luggage, no clothing and no smiling.

Because of your failure to do anything but set your own leg on fire, we sat watching the hours go by at Heathrow while a cluster of people were molested one by one by a security team, before they all moved over a gate and gave us the privelege as well (not having the wherewithal or resources to actually start before the flights were due to leave). Have you any idea what it's like trying to explain the contents of your case to an elderly Indian man while having your intimate areas grabbed by his partner? "That's a dynamo torch, I didn't know what it was either when I unwrapped it, you wind it up with the handle". "It's a DS, you know, the... portable game thing, it opens sort of like a laptop, like this...". "It's a DVD drive, I keep it out of my computer because I fruitlessly hope that putting in the second battery gives it more than a minute more lifespan." Having a book called Why We Suck probably wasn't the best choice either when they were looking for people who don't like America. But my brother-in-law was only travelling within the US, and they didn't allow him to have so much as a book out, giving the passengers six hours of mind-numbing blankness (or some respite if they turned the seat-back TVs off). I didn't think I could enjoy flying any less, but you have shown me new levels of unbearability.

I wish upon you two hundred delayed non-stop flights to Australia, with your legacy of increased security measures, in economy class, between two people who have eaten exclusively at McDonalds for the last fifteen years and behind one of those people who catapults their seat into the fully reclined position and leaves it there for the duration of the flight.

Bye.

Comments

[wolfekko.livejournal.com]

You fill me with confidence for tomorrow... >_>

I'm sorry it was such a torturous experience, but I'm glad you're home safe. I hope things are calmed down in the next few months, so you can swing by and visit me this summer with no problems (or you could look at trains or something).

[davidn]

I don't want to fly for a very, very long time - though I'll probably forget the experience within about two days, and to be honest flying for less than seven hours always feels like an absolute gift. I don't think the security checks are as terrible within the US only, but I'm not sure. Something will work out!

[e-to-the-ipi.livejournal.com]

I really hope I will be allowed hand luggage for my NZ flight in two days..

[ms-noone.livejournal.com]

Hi (this is shoe__gal 's husband). Just wondering what happened during the final hour of your flight to BOS, i.e. if the rumours are true that all access to hand luggage is denied, and everyone is seated for the final hour? I was also wondering if they ban things from the seat back pocket, namely are passengers asked to trash any bottles of water they have stored there? Were the moving sky maps turned maps turned off, (even on the long LHR-LAX flights those maps keep me entertained for the whole 11 hours), or even the whole IFE, and were you flying with American, BA, or Virgin?

Hmmm....sorry for all the questions! We're off to San Francisco then on to Hawaii in a few weeks time, and could be Denver a few weeks after that. Then with moving to CA in the autumn, it would be interesting to hear your (onboard) experiences of the new measures.

[davidn]

Hi there :) I recognized your name but had always wondered about that because it would seem to imply the wrong gender!

We were with BA and the flight was very normal once it had taken off - no extra confined-to-seat time, no restrictions on getting to hand luggage or seat back pocket things. And I should hope so, seeing as they pull your whole bag to pieces before you get on. The in-flight entertainment took a couple of goes to get started, but it was there, and I'd thought it was because of their technical problems that the flight map wasn't there... it hadn't actually occurred to me that it might be unavailable for other reasons.

I would hope that the heightened security will calm down in a few weeks, because if they continue at their current rate then they'll still be boarding flights that were meant to leave this Friday by that point.

Good luck!

[ms-noone.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the reply. The "ms" are initials. Actually I hadn't realised the (obvious!) gender ambiguity until my sister-in-law pointed it out years ago.

The sky map part of the IFE has apparently been banned as it would show the position of the plane. But then again, all you need is to google "great circle mapper" and take a watch and you'll have a pretty good idea of when you're in US airspace. Which makes the banning of the map look rather stupid.

The entertainment always breaks down anyway. The map broke on an AA flight a while back. As one the cabin crew was walking past, I asked if there was any chance of it being fixed. Her response was "Ha! This whole plane is falling to bits....oh oh oh, I mean the entertainment system".

[davidn]

The captain made an announcement about an hour after takeoff saying "Well, it appears that we're having a number of technical issues with the flight -" "What?!" "- entertainment system". That scared me rigid, especially as I was already even more nervous than usual because of everything they'd put us through to start with.

Apparently a lot of the madder knee-jerk rules are already being relaxed, so I would hold out hope for a bearable flight. I'm not sure whether the gate check will still be in place, though, and it seems... pointless that they only started for us after our flight was meant to board rather than early enough to get our flight out on time.

As for the map, I think my preferred method to see if we were landing would be to look out of the window!

[jenny0.livejournal.com]

I append my signature to this. I have been on upwards of 35 transatlantic flights over the last 15 years and have been really frustrated at how everything that used to make flying a novel, if not totally enjoyable, experience is whittled away. The remodeling of terminal E at Logan from a plastic-draped ghetto ten miles of freezing, open-to-the-wind tunnels from the rest of the airport was a slight improvement, I have to say. I remember flying back to Scotland after winter holidays one year, they had upped the security but not yet upped the niceness of the terminal, resulting in a three-hour wait in a terminal that had one restroom, no restaurants, and didn't allow any non-passengers in at all. Like, my dad couldn't help me carry my bag to check-in.

Anyway, air travel sucks! But flying is still awesome. Glad I am not the only one mesmerized by the little flight maps.

[davidn]

Flying should be an amazing experience, just the whole idea that we can move a hundreds-of-tons... pressurized metal tube through the air and travel between continents in a matter of hours - but everything combines to make it utterly terrible instead.

I'm glad I never saw that version of Logan! I was in Charles De Gaulle Airport when it was being worked on... I think I will have to restrict my own travel policy to going to airports that actually exist.

[stubbleupdate.livejournal.com]

Until you change your name to Mohammad Al-Newton, you'll be alright. (http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/148595/Muslims-could-face-tighter-terror-checks)

[davidn]

It's distressing, because you're tempted to think the same thing when you're in a security queue - just let the mother with three children go past without a minute inspection of their baby food and nail files, and save the rigorous checks for people who might potentially want to explode something - and therefore, at a bare logical level, as people who want to blow up planes have generally been Muslims (and I must make it clear I say that with no evidence to back it up at all), watch out for Muslims.

It's only when it's written down as an actual suggestion like that that you realize just what a terrible and ineffective idea it is.

[gr33bo.livejournal.com]

Going Continental from Glasgow to Newark was pretty easy.
We also got molested at the gate but given the number of flights going from Glasgow to the US was nil plus the one we were on, it wasn't too bad.
The flight left 20 mins late but we arrived 20 mins early and all was good.

No major restrictions above the usual. Only allowed one piece of hand luggage but that's all I ever have anyway, and our in-flight maps and entertainment were fully functional from take off to landing.

[davidn]

It's good to hear that someone had a good flight :) It seems that all the new security measures are being rolled back fairly quickly - some of them were swiftly made up to the discretion of the airline or the pilot, and I think many of them are gone altogether now.

I'm still not all that keen on flying again in the near future if I can possibly avoid it!